Let's Cruise!

Top 10 Questions Asked On A Cruise Ship

 
1.  Does this ship have cable t.v. ?

2.  How does the Captain know where to go?

3.  Is an outside cabin outside the ship?

4.  What time is the 2:00 o'clock tour?

5.  When the Captain if sleeping, who is steering the ship?

6.  The photographer took our picture, which one's are ours?

7.  Can we ski off the back of the ship?

8.  Do you have cruises going to Las Vegas?

9.  What elevation are we at?

10.  If it's raining will we get wet in an outside cabin? 

A Boat, a Lady and One Dead Bird

A lady on a cruise bought a parrot on an island stop and took it back to the ship.  After two days at sea the lady found her new friend laying on it's back - feet pointed straight up.

She hailed the ship's doctor, "Please help my friend," wailed the lady.  "I'm sorry the bird is quite dead" said the doctor.   "No, no....it can't be," cried the lady.

The doctor called in his own pet, a Labrador retriever, which sniffed the bird, shook his head and walked out.

Next, the doctor called in his cat which carefully walked a circle around the bird and walked out.

"No doubt about it", said the doctor, "That is a dead bird!"

The doctor reached for his pen and pad.  He wrote out a bill and handed it to the lady.  "Eight hundred dollars?" cried the lady.

"That's correct! I'm charging you for three procedures.  There is my opinion, a lab report and a cat scan.

Cruise Humor

  A pan-handler was caught trying to sneak on-board a luxury cruise liner.  He was caught by the purser who threw him off the ship yelling, "Beggars can't be cruisers!"

A musician who recently joined the orchestra on a cruise ship was having a hard time keeping up with them all.  Finally, the Captain said "Either you learn to keep time or I throw you overboard.  It's sync or swim time!"

After a sweet little 90 yr. old lady booked her cruise she asked the agent, "Do you also book my hotels to stay in while I'm cruising?"  She thought the cruise ship was like an airplane......it just took you there!  ( obviously her first cruise )

A crew member on a luxury cruise ship was suffering from a very bad cold and begged the ship's doctor for relief.  The doctor prescribed a few pills, but after a week the crew person was still very sick.  So, the doctor then gave him several shots with no results.  "Okay this is what I want you to do" said the doctor.  "Go to the bow of the ship, take off your clothes and lean into the freezing mist for 30 minutes."  "I'll do it Sir, but aren't you afraid I'll catch pneumonia?"   "Maybe  said the doctor, but at least I know how to cure it!"

Dear Diary:

Dear Diary:

MONDAY:  What a wonderful cruise this is going to be!  I felt singularly honored this evening as the Captain asked me to dine at his table.

TUESDAY:  I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.  He is so charming.

WEDNESDAY:  The Captain made several proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.

THURSDAY:  Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY:  This afternoon I saved 1600 lives.....TWICE!

How to Use the Microwave Oven.....on a Cruise Ship

While on a luxury cruise, the receptionist received a call from a distressed passenger.  "I wish to inform you that there is a faulty electrical appliance in my suite.  Could you please send someone over to have it repaired immediately?"  asked a lady passenger, clearly upset.

"Certainly, I shall arrange for someone to look into the matter immediately.  Which electrical appliance would that be?" asked the concierge.

"It's the microwave.  I've been trying to warm up some supper for myself but the microwave wouldn't start,"  replied the passenger.

"The microwave, Madam?" repeated the bewildered receptionist.  "Yes, the microwave!  You know the heating device that is installed in the wardrobe,"  replied the passenger sarcastically.  "I've been trying for the past hour but my supper is still cold."

Upon arriving at the suite, the receptionist found the lady passenger standing in front of the wardrobe, pressing vigorously at the control panel of the safe deposit box installed in the wardrobe.  "Let me show you what I have been trying.  I key in the number of minutes here, but I don't really know which is the start button?"

this was found at :   www.onlyfunnystories.com   

Cruise Ship Humor

  A lady aboard a cruise ship was not impressed by the jazz trio in one of the ship board restaurants.  When her waiter came around, she asked "will they play anything I ask?"  "Of course!" replied the waiter.  "Then tell them to play shuffleboard!"

There was some mix-up with a woman's cabin and the clerk was trying to remedy the situation.  He asked her "would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?"  She replied "well, it looks like it might rain today, so I better take the inside cabin."

True Story.....
Canadian:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
American:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadian:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
American:  This is the captain of a U.S.Navy ship.  I say again, divert your course!
Canadian:  No, I say again, you divert your course.
American:  This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet.  We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels.  I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!
Canadian:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.

Top 10 Questions Asked On A Cruise Ship

 
1.  Can I take a picture of the ship as we leave port?

2.  Why do the inside staterooms have no windows?

3.  Is this island completely surrounded by water?

4.  Do the movies come on t.v. via cable or satellite?

5.  On the last night of our cruise do we put our luggage out in the hall before or after we go to bed?

6.  We don't like to fly. Do you have any cruises that leave from Las Vegas?

7.  Can you swim  with any sports teams or just with the Dolphins?

8.  What do I do at night on a 5-day cruise?

9.  Are all the weights in the ships gym "free", or do I have to pay for some?

10. Do you have any weekend cruises that leave on a Monday? 

You Know It's A No Frills Cruise Line If......

  1.  The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

2.  Uncle Billy brings his own can of bait on board to fish.

3.  Before the cruise, all the passengers get together to elect a Captain.

4.  Everyone carries their beer on board in white Styrofoam coolers, taped together with electrical tape

5.  Aunt Pat and Aunt Polly are the featured singers at the sail away pool party.

6.  Paw brings his fiddle for the after supper hoe-down.

7.  All the passengers bring their own folding chairs & mosquito nets on board.

8.  Lobster night is replaced with Beanie-Wienie Night.

9.  Grams keeps asking the piano player to play "Country Roads".

10. The shrimp left over in the dining room is saved for bait fishing scheduled for the next day.